Yoga, Tantra, Sex and betrayl

I have not written in more than a while. (what's more than a while? a bit longer than a bit?)
I completed a yoga teacher training over a year ago and began to scrutinize my life and it's contents of passions. I also went through my own personal journey through infidelities, (both the one to hear about such acts committed by my partner and then the one to commit myself), delved into Tantra (the actual tantra, not the westernized, sex centered version), took up as much work as I could and, finally, wondered if i was really that into figuring out what sex even was to me.
This all paves the way to beginners mind- a concept we are taught, that facilitates seeing everything without judgment, boredom or as already understood. I have time after time related to sex as both my friend and my nemesis. I have been hurt sexually as well as found ecstatic states of pleasure sexually and everything in between. I thought I could out grow my fear of hurting someone or being hurt by someone the more I made my way to intellectualize sex and sexuality. If I know every item of erotic behavior, wanton fantasy and Lingum massage technique then how could any betrayal of a sexual sort befall me?
Oh to be made folly of... I went through the emotions that one goes through when suddenly hurt as they begin a new life path of spirituality and peace. I became angry and then quickly OK. Fury and self righteousness filled my body as quickly as it left to make way for a desire to make this all just go away. Sex became my outlet from as well as my totem to the pain. All i had was this laughable new set of rituals with which to burn up the pain, karma and whatever else might lay in between me and my path to inner peace...
This was exactly one year ago. I was broken open and my sex and my sexuality seemed my obstacle. I was cheated on and i then cheated. I wandered to the other side and did the very thing that hurt me, knowing that i would hurt someone, create pain in someone. I did it and the morning after I felt deliciously empty. I was untethered from some weird karmic macrame, it felt i had been previously bound inside. I reclaimed a desire to learn about, write about, read about sex and sexuality. The yin and yang, male and female, pain and pleasure, hero and villain, slayer and slain, teacher and student- I was looking for a simple way of understanding this without having to go through the drama of life to metabolize it- but that's for wimps, it's been a year but back again am i with a lack of any desire to "know" just to see- what's this S-E-X thing all about? why the hell does it feel so good and hurt so bad?
Alas so that's what I have been up to in a nut shell- no pun intended. I'm delighted to encounter some good reads, blogs, pictures and works of art so please feel free to pass such things on!
Your humbled sexual ponderer
em luna